Was it possible to feel everything and nothing at the same time? I don’t think I will ever understand my feelings. Some days, I have a really good grip on them while other days it seems like they’re made of water; fluid and dodgy. I want to eat up the whole world, gobble it up and let it make its home inside me yet I also want to kick it to a curb and burn everything down. A trapped comet keeps on hurtling inside me and I’ve no way to let it out—I can’t even pour out all the words I keep hidden behind my lips, they stack up down my throat just like my world piled haphazardly in a corner. Tonight as I let my birthday pass, I watch the moon snuggle into its bed of night and realize that I am so small; a tiny speck, a stardust that can wink out of existence with just a whisper. Bite me with your rubber teeth and I’ll be gone. Odd.
I really hope so, too. Thank you! :—)
Only four more days till my birthday. It’s strange how I think I’ve come to this age without ever understanding it at all. Like, I know 18 is supposed to be the peak of the mountain but I don’t feel anything. I’m still 5 when I laugh; 10 when I cry; 14 when I love. This business confounds me to no end because there is no point to it- you can’t define your maturity with it. They’re just numbers you wrap around you to tell people how many years you’ve been trying to leave imprints in this world and still failing to do so.
I like flowers so much and am borderline obsessed with daisies. I love how it’s a flower within a flower. Beautiful and poetic. Just like what I wanted to be.
You found my heart near the side of the road, a tiny bird with a broken wing. I remember your hands being so careful while you held me, like a small shake might cause me to shatter, between your palms. I glowed there; your palms were so warm I wanted to curl up and stay there for a long time. You mended me with your affection and I basked in it the way a person does when the sun feels like exploding, scattering its rays everywhere. In my mind, I saw your eyes so alive; your smile dripping light. I could have loved you, you know, but you tried to stop me when I wanted to fly. You treated me like a fragile wine glass that will break at the slightest touch. I am not weak. The warmth in your hands turned to ice as they left ghosts on my skin.
I wanted to have a strong, opinionated voice when it comes to grappling with topics that require me to think but I also wanted to have a soft, lyrical voice that enables a reader to think serenely, whimsically, lightly as if touching a butterfly’s wings for the first time. Problem is, I can’t as I haven’t even found my voice- my true voice, the one that I can use and think to myself “this is it.” I’ve tried for so long to dig up the earth, searching in vain, for this voice that will make my words sound clearer, steadier and dreamier all the same time. I still haven’t. I imagine it knocking on my door one day, finally presenting itself to me, letting me hold words like imbue, oeuvre, ensconce and know that yes, I finally know how to handle all of them without tripping down, without having claustrophobic prose and flimsy opinions so weak one finger can touch it and, like a bridge during an earthquake, it will all come crashing down.
I’m always angry at the world, sometimes less sometimes more. It’s the little things, like a lover’s touch or the soft breeze that skims my hair when I read, that help me get through the day.
Um. I read a lot of books. Actually, I read a lot. I read signboards and billboards and the synopsis of a movie at the back of its dvd cover. I read what’s written on the box of my favorite breakfast cereal, the scribbles in my notes- even the vandals. I take my time to read the dictionary too, to stack up on unfamiliar words and expand my vocabulary bit by bit. Seriously, I just read and then I write. I use a trickle of what’s left of my imagination to come up with some metaphors and weave it with my words. Sometimes, I remember a really good line I read from somewhere and write it down, too. That’s about it, I guess. Thank you for the compliment!